5 tips to overcome shame with the help of a psychologist – Online Psychologists

Raise your hand if you've never felt embarrassed. It's a completely normal emotion that occurs in many situations: when you receive a compliment, when you have to present a project in class or at work, etc.

However, when shame stops being occasional and starts having negative consequences, it is a pathological problem that will bring you problems and suffering.

It is the feeling that arises when you evaluate your actions in a negative way. You think that you are doing something wrong and that people are going to judge/criticize you. Shame is synonymous with shyness and embarrassment, and in many cases it is accompanied by a slight (or not so slight) blush. The “what will people say” is always something that overwhelms you, it creates anxiety. What you must keep in mind is that this shame is linked to insecurity.

When you analyse your behaviour, the next step is to compare it with that of others, which you think is correct. Once you judge, the response you give yourself can be positive or negative. If it is negative, for example if you compare your work/grades with the rest, it is normal that you feel shame, guilt… Negative emotions that are created based on the prejudices of other people.

That's the problem. Shame comes when you think you're acting worse than others. You do everything wrong and you get into a loop of insecurity that's hard to get out of. You only seek acceptance and approval.

Shame often arises as an adaptation mechanism when living in a group. Abandoning your ideas to accept other rules imposed by others in order to be part of that group.

This would be the case of arriving new to class and setting the date of an exam. If you are the only one who wants to take the exam on Monday, when everyone else wants to take it on Wednesday, the shame of being the only person who thinks differently from the rest will make you not express your opinion for fear of what others will say about you. This is how it works as an adaptation mechanism.

Shame becomes harmful and pathological when you are overwhelmed by it, so that your daily activities are attacked by this shame that limits you. In addition, it can be accompanied by many other negative emotions: anguish, discomfort, self-pity (pity for yourself), etc. You will feel lost. image you have of yourself It is very negative. You think you are inferior, worse than others. Incapable of achieving what you set out to do.

As a consequence, cowardice and the mania for hiding appear. You prefer to stay away from society. Your opinions are not important, what I say is of no interest, they will laugh at me if I say this… And more destructive thoughts of this type will pass through your head, stopping you from enjoying life. Your self-esteem and security are at rock bottom. In fact, it can lead to depression and anxiety.

Shame leads you to hide your faults and fall into a self-criticism exaggerated. This demand for behavior serves to achieve your goals and avoid those failures. It is an impulse to change, to modify certain behaviors.

Self-criticism in itself, like shame, is not bad, since it is about overcoming and correcting errors. However, when it is destructive, it can also become pathological. Excessive self-criticism causes you to anticipate criticism that may not even exist. to avoid a rejection that you think you are going to experience.

Both can lead to depression, anxiety, social phobia… They are two realities. difficult to treat because both are linked to two aspects:

Shame and self-criticism cause fear of social rejectionso you want to be appreciated by everyone, you avoid intimacy and you demand that you change things that can make you rejected.

They can often be caused by difficult stages in childhood, bullying, family problems… Even simple (albeit harsh) demands from parents can be traumatic.

The acceptance and commitment therapy It groups together some basic processes:

With acceptance and commitment therapy, you will strengthen the «I» so that you accept your thoughts, emotions and sensations. It is about accept that they are feelings that occur within you and that you should not judge or reject. You must love yourself regardless of what you think or feel. You will also discover and enhance that «I» to avoid that fear of rejection that shame generates and so that, later, you allow yourself the luxury of being yourself. What it means to allow yourself express yourself and communicate your opinions and desires to others. Depriving yourself of who you are is what does the most harm.

Shame is a natural feeling, but society has taken pains to label it as something negative. It is not something you should feel bad about. Remember that everyone can feel it. However, depending on the consequences it brings to your environment, it can become pathological.

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