Experiencing a meaningful romantic relationship with someone is deeply rewarding. It can help you grow and become the person you were meant to be. And who doesn’t love spending a romantic evening with someone they’ve had their eye on?
But just as surely as the sun rises and sets, one-sided, unrequited love, to put it mildly, isn’t all that great.
What is unrequited love?
Simply put, unrequited love is love that is not returned in the same way that it is given. Simple.
By its most basic definition, unrequited love is love that «is not reciprocated or returned in fair amount,» but few matters of the heart are as simple as the dictionary would have us believe.
types of unrequited love
There are a variety of types of unrequited love, including these:
- Love for someone who doesn’t feel the same, and never has.
- Love for an ex who no longer feels the same way about you.
- Love for someone who is unavailable because they are married or in a committed relationship.
- Falling in love with someone you’ve never met and probably never will, i.e. a movie star, celebrity, or public figure.
- Love someone with whom you are in a relationship, but who does not love you with the same level of intensity.
Unrequited love can be found in a few different scenarios.
Sometimes, that’s when you’re stuck in the ‘friend zone’. Or, it happens in the middle of a relationship when you suddenly realize that the person you’re with doesn’t feel the same way at all. Other times, you may have fallen in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable.
Not being loved in return by someone, or receiving reciprocal love from someone we love so desperately, is one of the cruelest twists of fate imaginable.
In many ways, and many people will agree, getting over unrequited love can be even more difficult than healing after a breakup.
Frame adds that unrequited love can take over your mind, body, and spirit just as much as requited love.
You can’t stop thinking about the person, your body fills with desire and need, the world is a better place when the loved one is near. But unrequited love has the added pain that all your feelings, longings and affections are being given away. in a void where nothing returns you.
3 signs of unrequited love
1. Your feelings and expressions of love are unrequited.
This is the best indicator that what you are experiencing is unrequited love.
Evaluate your relationship with your partner or the person you’re dating. If you’re the one with all the butterflies and signs of love, but your partner isn’t giving you that same energy back, you need to think about what your relationship means and how to get back to being a better place.
Reciprocated love means that there is mutual desire, effort and energy towards a romantic relationship.
If you’re feeling a lot of butterflies and euphoria, and find yourself thinking about someone else all the time, but they don’t seem to show the same level of interest and investment, you may want to slow down and take a moment to assess what you need.»
2. You are the only one putting effort into the relationship.
If you find yourself putting most of the effort into the relationship and you have a partner who doesn’t seem to care at all, that can also be a sign of unrequited love.
This could mean your partner keeping your distance, ditching plans you made, or perhaps saying that dating is just «hanging out.»
This can be difficult because you could be receiving mixed signals. However, whenever you ask them questions about anything, see if they give you perfunctory answers or if they don’t ask you similar questions.
Not only are you hurting yourself, but you’re ignoring the signs that this isn’t real love, which is a bad pattern to keep repeating.
3. They are emotionally unavailable to you.
The signs of this can be subtle, but a small thing to look for is how often you are hugged, touched, complimented or confided in you.
Frame suggests that when you start to have feelings for someone, take a close look at their emotional availability:
Ask questions like these:
- doDo they reciprocate your advances, or are they shy and only give you a shred of attention?
- Is it always you who approaches them and never they to you?
- Do they give you the same quality of affection and appreciation that you give them?
- Are they open and honest in communication, or do they seem to only tell half the story?
What causes unrequited love?
Unfortunately, what causes unrequited love may have a lot to do with you.
Perhaps you created an ideal image of this person in your mind, convinced that they have all the traits you want in a partner. Or, you want to impress this person, so he jumps in headfirst, not paying attention to whether you can meet his needs.
Or maybe you just can’t accept rejection and are convinced that it didn’t really happen.
Whatever the cause or reason, it is important not to lose yourself in unrequited love and forget your own standards and desires in a relationship.
Is unrequited love really love?
For some, it really depends on the situation. Some may think it’s love if it helps you grow, while others think unrequited love is just a one-sided relationship, with one person as the giver and the other as the unresponsive receiver.
Sprowl says that whether or not you define unrequited love as love depends on your definition.
If you believe that reciprocity is a prerequisite for true love, you will probably attribute unrequited love to falling in love. If you believe that love is defined by our feelings for another person, regardless of how they feel in return, then you probably understand that unrequited love can be powerful.
We are often attracted to people who live our dark side in broad daylight. If we relate to them properly, these relationships can help us integrate all the parts of ourselves that we disavow and hide.
How to deal with unrequited love
Ultimately, the only thing that can heal the wrenching pain of unrequited love is time. It’s a cliché to say it, but it’s true. Remember that what you’re doing is healthy, and you don’t want to get stuck wasting your time with someone who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.
Like loss, the best way to heal after experiencing unrequited love is to grieve.
Often, we go back and forth through various stages of grief (denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance) in no particular order and with no predictability as to when and how these stages will affect us.
Moving through the stages of grief while holding each other with tenderness, patience, and compassion is a really important way to start healing.